dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
