Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
