the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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