So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize