Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
