I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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