I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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