is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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