You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
