i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
