I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm bleeding and have questions
ok first of all what the fuck
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
