You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
