I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
