Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
