I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
