im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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