I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
