i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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