I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
