Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
