Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize