This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
