It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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