You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
