i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
