I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
