pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
