i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
