My hand turned me down
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This baby is an asshole
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
