My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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