I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
