Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
