just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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