you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
