Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize