I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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