My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's Friday. Sex?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
