Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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