He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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