This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
