Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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