we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
