Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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