He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize