you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
