So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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