I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Randomize
