I skipped work to stalk him.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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