Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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