Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
