Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
