Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
