I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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