I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
