I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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