I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
