I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
