I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
