never play flip cup with pint glasses
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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