when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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