Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
