Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Are we still banned from the library?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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