so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
